Saturday's Self Discovery

A little over a year ago I was in Costa Rica nearing the end of my week volunteering and terrified from the anxiety I'd been carrying about the zip lining excursion I planned.  I convinced myself zip lining was a good way to face my fear of heights and try something new.  At the time, I truly believed I would be "cured" of my fear, at least less afraid or at a minimum would become more comfortable as I progressed thru the zip lines.  None. Of. That. Happened.

I'll start by saying Diego [guy with lip ring] could probably convince someone they are invisible after coercing me off the first few platforms. These were very old lines that required you to control your speed by holding the line above/behind your head, while maintaining your body position [to keep from spinning in circles] holding the harness with the other hand.  Diego talked to me for about 15 mins on each platform to help subside my fear before I'd go across. I completed the first 4 or 5 lines solo, and even after perfecting the routine I still felt miserable.  It was the first time in my life I truly felt like I couldn't do something, and I was ready to accept what for me would feel like failure.

I reached a platform where the next one was so far away it couldn't be seen. Diego offered to HELP me get across each line on every platform, but I chose to struggle without even considering his assistance.  I started asking myself the questions I should have been for years on that platform.  Was control, trust, Ego and/or fear of being weak preventing me from accepting help?  Did I need to prove something to myself?  Did it have something to do with feminism?  Why was I even there?  I didn't try to answer the questions while I was up there, but decided to give riding across the next line with Diego  a shot. It was fantastic and I felt what I've heard people describe while zip lining!  I allowed someone to help me and I was able to be completely present and enjoy every second of the experience.  I hitched a ride with Diego the remainder of the day.  I started having so much fun another woman on the tour followed my lead and started to hitch rides as well even though she wasn't afraid on her own.

My zip lining experience felt more like fighting my Acrophobia than facing it, but the reality is my fear became a reflection that exposed parts of myself I hadn't yet discovered or given much needed attention to.  Thinking back on it now, it seems so silly. I've asked myself why I would make a conscious decision to put myself in a situation that I knew would be extremely uncomfortable.  The past year I've been on a journey of healing and deeper self discovery asking myself the questions above, and many more along those same lines.  I could explore the answers, root causes for my actions, and past traumas limitlessly.  But the biggest takeaway for me has been that the person that was up on those zip line platforms is the same person that's present in every life experience I have.  All the inhibitions I had up on those platforms are present in my thoughts, actions and decisions daily.  Just like I wasn't able to "cure" my fear of heights these aren't things that just go away.  They need to be acknowledged and managed in a way that feels healthy for each of us.

I'm often asked how I'm able to remain so calm in high stress situations, but the truth is anxiety is a real struggle for me and I've had to develop daily practices like meditation, affirmations, etc. to help me manage it.  As an athlete I've been trained and taught how to maintain my composure and that's what I think people mistake for calmness. Composure is very different than inner peace.  Today when I start to feel the internal turmoil you can see in my face in this blog's photo, I figure out the best way I can be kind to myself in that moment.

The next stop on my journey of healing and self discovery is Thailand.  I'm still the same person that decided to go zip lining so I will probably push myself outside my comfort zone while I'm there.  However, I'm doing a better job of being kind to myself + going with the flow so I didn't plan my anxiety attack in advance.